TEENS LOVE THEIR BEDROOMS.
She spends tons of time in her room and you might be a bit freaked out by it. What is she doing in there? Why doesn’t she want to spend time with everyone else? Is this normal?
HER BEDROOM IS HER SANCTUARY.
By definition, a sanctuary is a safe place. When your daughter is in her room, she feels sheltered from criticism, the need to do chores, sibling rivalries. It’s the one space in your household that is hers. Her stuff is there. Her childhood is there. Her four walls are strong and steady.
SHE NEEDS HER SPACE TO INDIVIDUATE.
An important part of adolescence is individuating…pulling away from your parents. In “normal” times, your daughter has about 6 hours a day that she is away from you because she is at school or in extra-curricular activities. Now? She’s with you most of the day because things have been shut down. The easiest way for her to get her space is to stay in her room.
BUT IT’S IMPORTANT TO STAY CONNECTED.
And this is the difficult part when your daughter spends so much time in her room. How do you stay connected? It’s your job to let her know that you are around when she wants to spend time with you. Invite her to do things. She might say “no” but the invitation establishes that connection and your desire to spend time with her.
DON’T INTERACT JUST TO REMIND HER OF CHORES.
Understandably, you might get frustrated with all of the rejected invitations and only approach your bedroom-ridden daughter when you need chores done. Or when dinner is on the table. Or to criticize her for being in her room too much. Be very mindful of increasing your positive interactions with her otherwise she’ll NEVER want to come out of her room!
IT CAN MAKE YOU SAD.
When your daughter was little, she probably badgered you constantly to watch what she was doing, to play with her, to sing to her, to watch cartoons with her. It’s a jolting change when she no longer craves your attention or your interaction. My kids are older and it still hits me like a ton of bricks on days when my time with them is minimal. When I know they are just a few feet away, but they have no interest in hanging out with me, that makes me sad.
IT SUCKS BUT IT IS NORMAL.
There are a lot of things that happen during adolescence that just don’t feel good, but they are important steps towards adulthood. As with most of the parenting journey during adolescence, try to understand the reasons and don’t take it personally.
As I type this, two of my daughters are in the house. One is upstairs in her bedroom (she’s on hour number two up there). The other is outside with a few friends. Unless they want food, they are perfectly content where they are. Which reminds me…you can always reel them in with a good snack.
YOU GOT THIS!
With Heart,
Coach Sheri
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