“I hate you.” These are three words that all parents dread hearing. It cuts you deep.
How could your teen possibly say such a hurtful thing?
It’s because they don’t really mean it.
I hate you is a visceral reaction that is fueled by big emotions. All of their emotions are bubbling to the surface, the logical part of their brain goes offline, and just like that…BAM…They utter those three words that cut like a knife.
If your teen says these words to you, take a deep breath and tap into your love and compassion. For them to say this, they are struggling. Rather than focusing on this behavior, think about how they must be feeling in this moment. It’s easy to bark back, yell, unceremoniously send them to their room, ground them. But it’s important you take the more difficult road…love them unconditionally and keep your calm.
Knowing WHY teens say these hurtful words can help you to tap into that calm that can sometimes be elusive. So let me tell you what “I hate you” really means.
What your teen really means when they say “I hate you”:
- Mom, I’m emotionally overwhelmed and I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve reached my emotional limits and feel like I just want to scream.
- Dad, I really can’t stand this limit that you are setting. I want to be able to do what I want and when I want. I don’t understand why you won’t just trust me to make my own decisions.
- Mom, I am so frustrated right now and you are the one person I know will love me no matter. what. So let me test the limits and see if you’ll still love me even after I’m mean to you.
- Dad, I feel like ripping my hair out right now. No one gets me. No one understands me. And I don’t know what to say or do right now.
- Mom, I trust you enough to let my raw emotions out.
Now that you know what’s behind those harsh words, next time you hear them, take a deep breath and think to yourself “Oh, that’s nice. They trust me.”
You got this!
With Heart,
Coach Sheri
