“Overcoming loneliness and building a more connected future is an urgent mission that we can and must tackle together.” -Vivek H. Murthy, MD
Sally* came into my office with hunched over shoulders and little energy. During our first session together, she told me that her 6th grade year wasn’t going so well. Her expectations were an endless number of sleepovers, birthday parties, and hangouts. Her hopes were to find her BFF’s, to laugh and share updates at the lunch table, and to feel connected.
Sadly, 6th grade wasn’t living up to those expectations.
Sally did make close friends. She did have lots of social events to attend. Where things fell short was in the connection department.
The last birthday party she attended was fun. They went to a popular place with tons of games and great food. Her friends were nice. They were all having fun. Sally was even laughing and adding to the conversation. She felt like she belonged to this friend group, but she still didn’t feel connected.
We continued to talk through how Sally was feeling. It was hard for her to describe. After a minute of silence, she finally figured it out…
“I’m lonely.”
I work with adolescent girls who are dealing with girl drama or friendship issues, and loneliness is a prevailing feeling. You might assume that only girls without friends are lonely. Oddly, some of the girls that have a large circle of friends are the loneliest. How can that be?
Being lonely is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is the opposite of an expected level of connection. If you are in an airport, for instance, you probably don’t feel lonely just because the stranger sitting next to you isn’t telling you about their upcoming trip. If you are in a classroom, though, you can absolutely feel lonely if none of the people you see every day are acknowledging your existence. And, in a group of friends, you can feel lonely when you feel that none of them actually know the real you.
The real you…this is also something that comes up a lot with my clients. Letting people know the real you can be scary. It’s extremely vulnerable. What if they don’t like what you reveal? What if they want to break off the friendship? The list of “what-if’s” can be pages long.
This is what I work on with my clients for months…letting the world see who they really are. Letting their personality, strengths, imperfections, and individuality shine., allowing them to fully accept themselves so they can begin to fully and genuinely connect with the people around them. That’s when the loneliness will begin to dissipate.
Loneliness is an enormous issue in our society that is the root cause for so many other struggles especially among our youth. It can fuel depression, anxiety, addiction, self-harm, and suicide. We must pay more attention to fostering connections among our kids, and it takes a lot more than just throwing them in a room together.
How can YOU make a difference? Talk to your kids about loneliness and connection. Discuss how to deepen their friendships. Talk about your own friends and how your connections make a difference in your life. And if you are feeling lonely, please know that you are not alone. It’s never too late to turn that loneliness into connection.
With Heart,
Coach Sheri
*Sally is not a real client. This is based on many clients that come into my office searching for connection.
P.S. If your daughter is struggling with friendships, Teen Wise has a new FOSTERING FRIENDSHIPS course. It’s art-based, on-demand, and fun! You can find more info at http://be.teen-wise.com/fosteringfriendships
