HOW TO BOLSTER SELF-ESTEEM SELF-MASTERY
In a healthy adult/child relationship, the child’s self-esteem is bolstered by interactions and encouragement from the adults in their lives. However, beginning in the 1970s and fully blooming in the 1990s, society began to go overboard with praise (Yes, that is possible!) and began creating a false sense of self-esteem. A skit on Saturday Night Live by Stuart Smalley summed the movement up, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”
What is self-esteem and why is it so important? In a nutshell, it is how we see ourselves, how we compare ourselves to others, how we identify with groups and entities, and what we attribute our behaviors to (internal or external). It is important because it determines how we relate to and interact with the world around us. It helps us get past hurdles, persevere past failures, give new things a try, and strive to do better and to be better.
Why is a false self-esteem harmful? There are a few issues than can arise when an adult gives a child undeserved praise. First, the development of trust is lacking. At a very young age, children begin to realize when they are being told “great job” for something that they know is not very good, or in which they didn’t put in much effort. Also, kids feel entitled to praise or reward despite their effort or end result. In addition, the child sees no difference between mediocrity and high achievement because the praise is the same for both. Also, kids begin to resent a challenge because they have to work harder for the same amount of reward. And last but not least, kids will often quit trying if they aren’t immediately successful at it.
How can parents help foster a healthy self-esteem? I always advocate that parents focus on self-mastery rather than self-esteem. Self-mastery is getting along in the world and knowing you can handle yourself in a variety of situations. With self-mastery comes a healthy and authentically elevated self-esteem. To change from trying to foster self-esteem to promoting self-mastery, begin to focus on praising the following:
- PROCESS
- EFFORT
- STRATEGY
- PERSEVERANCE
- IMPROVEMENT
Here is a quick example. You see your Sophomore studying for a couple of hours for his mid-term Chemistry test. The next week, he finds out he got a C. In order to promote self-mastery, you can give him positive feedback on the fact that you saw him studying. Let him know that you think he can do better next time. And then brainstorm with him to see if he needs better study skills, a tutor, or perhaps to spend more time studying. By reacting in this way, you have acknowledged his effort, have expressed your desire for a better grade next time and yourbelief that he can achieve it, and have taught him that sometimes we need help to achieve better results. All of this without ever raising your voice or instilling a sense of disappointment!
Kids with a sense of self-mastery are more likely to have enhanced confidence, to be more adventurous, to stand up for themselves, and to come up with solutions to life’s problems. Try making this change whether you are a parent, teacher, or other influential adult. By doing this, you will set your child up for a happy and successful future in which they feel the sky is the limit.
With Heart,
Coach Sheri
